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The happy Nada Farmer, finding new ways to make the same mistakes for 56 years. And remember, you can never know too much, but you sure can think you do!
Keep coming back , I'm sure I've discovered a new way to screw up something else.
The New York Trip.
This is where I learned it's not wise to ask "what else can go wrong?"
There are very few times I give credence to the idea of a curse, or a concrete outcome resulting from the utterance of a particular phrase. But this is one of them. Never ask " what else could possibly go wrong?" Because it seems to open a vortex of possibilities that is seemingly endless. A few years back we were trying to get to a trade show in New York, and afterwards, swing down through New Jersey and pick up some machinery. I was selling a tabletop training system, and the Fallen Man Harness, and PASS devices, which sounded an alarm when a fireman was motionless for a full minute. The machinery we were going to pick up in Jersey was to cast the metal men for the training systems. So I resurrected the Brown Van for one more trip. The brown van was a Ford "Ohio Bell" van I bought years before and just kept fixing up, it was on it's third engine, second transmission and last legs, but it was mechanically sound, or so I thought.
Well, we loaded everything for the trade show booth into the van, and all the things we needed to spend a few nights on the road. We left early in the morning and were broke down before we passed Tallmadge Avenue, actually the engine just started to over heat. I had replaced the radiator right before I parked it the last time, so I knew that couldn't be it, the water pump was working and the hoses didn't leak. The cap was not new, so I figured it was the problem. But, it was Sunday morning, and everything was closed. So as the water was boiling out past the cap, I grabbed a coat hanger and defeated the spring in the cap. I figured by noon something would open up, and wherever we were, we would just pop off the highway and grab a new cap. Well that isn't exactly how it went. Fortunately, it had rained along our route, which meant there were puddles, here and there and every so often. Using a large McDonalds cup I refilled the radiator whenever the engine got so hot we had to stop. So here I am with a styrofoam cup climbing expressway fences, and returning with water from swampy areas. Chris was laughing and asking about the hazard of flushing small reptiles through the engine? I wasn't as happy about it. I knew it wasn't going to be a smooth trip, particularly if I had to re water the engine every fifteen to twenty miles. I finally did lighten up and laugh as she mentioned the prospect of little froggy legs sticking out of the radiator in various places as it began springing leaks due to the incredible pressures generated by the hard wired radiator cap. I finally got the new cap and the problem wasn't solved. I decided that if we were ever going to get to New York, let alone New Jersey, we were going to have to get another vehicle. But, as I mentioned, it was Sunday Morning. As we neared Erie Pennsylvania, we saw a sign for an airport, great, they have rental places at airports. So I turned off, and CRACK!, the left front wheel broke. Ok, now I have had cars forever, I have never had a wheel break, I never even heard of a wheel breaking. I mean the rim, it just went CRACK! and wobble, wobble, wobble. I had a spare, and every tool known to man, that's just the way I roll. Problem was, it was all buried under the trade show stuff, and the clothes we were going to need for the week we were going to be traveling. Well, I emptied the van there along the side of the interstate and changed the tire, astonished that it was actually the rim that failed, but obviously, changing the entire assembly was easier. As I got back into the van, I asked Chris, What else could possibly go wrong? Well there it is, the question you never want to ask. Because there seems there is an endless supply of unpleasant answer to that question.
We found the airport and the place the rental trucks live. There was even a guy there, though he claimed just to be a mechanic. And only there because a guy was bringing in a damaged truck, to trade for a replacement. Well we looked around and the only thing they had was an 18 Foot Box Van, perfect for moving your family across the US, but a bit of an overkill for our needs. But as beggars can't be choosers, we were about to start harassing the mechanic to rent it to us when I noticed the top corner was torn out, someone had clipped a tree, or bridge, or something tougher than the aluminum corner of the truck's box. "I can't rent it to you like that!" CRAP! This joker was sure we wouldn't make it with the little corner damage, "NO, I'm not allowed to let it leave here till it's fixed properly." He claimed. Well just then the guy with the damaged truck showed up, and it was just what we needed. Turned out, he was bringing it in early, because it was leaking something. I took one look and said "power steering fluid." The mechanics head whipped around,"How do you know that?" He asked. I said, "From the location and the color, and it looks like it is just a seal on the pump going bad." I had slid in next to him and saw the oil spray from the pulley. "Yeah you might be right." "OK" I said, "how about we rent this, knowing this little problem exists, and I'll add power steering fluid as it needs it, I really need a truck NOW!" After a little reassurance that I'd "be very careful" and not sue anyone, and "be very careful" and "add fluid" and park in places where it wouldn't be a problem and "be very careful"! I started to think this guy knew me! Chris was actually relieved to see there was a tape player in the rental truck, because I had installed a new tape player in the van for the trip which was now becoming a quest! We had to wait until a salesman could be summoned off the golf course to rent it to us, and the mechanic disappeared so he wouldn't have to answer about the power steering business.
We were finally on our way again ready to laugh about it and enjoy the ride when we realized the back of the van which was separated from the crew area, by a sliding door, was resplendent with rings to tie down cargo. They rattled and clanked ever time we hit a bump. And the roads across Northern Pennsylvania are not without their share of bumps. I finally pulled over and threaded a rope through the rings and tied the sides together to attempt to minimize the clanging. It worked well enough, that the door between the compartments began to drive us nuts with it's squeaking and rattling on those same bumps. We finally jammed the door tight with a paperback book Chris had brought to read. With nothing to read, and it finally quiet enough to possibly hear it, Chris put in her favorite tape. It played about 2 minutes and the deck ruined it. Now there was an issue! Up to that point it had been just a series of insane inconveniences, now her tape was screwed up, and things were bad.
It had gotten late, and our attempt to get there early to set up, was a bust. I climbed around a mountain to a gas station and Chris decided to get her pillow from the back and get a quick nap while I was checking leaking fluids, and getting gas. As she retrieved her pillow from the back, she said it "felt wet." I told her, "it's probably just cold from being in the back". She said, "no it's wet!" That's when we found out that the roof of the box (box truck) had a leak that let in the rain. Which we had been driving in, for hours. Our clothes and display things were ok, but the new $2500.00 video camera that we had just purchased to make sales movies and and all things business, was actually floating in a case of water, I purchased the extra duty, expensive, hard case, so it would be really well protected. Well, it held water pretty well! AAAAGGGGGGAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!
We were still depressed when we got to the New York Chief's Show. Of course we were really busy with the show and getting things set up, "doing" the show and getting things put back in the rental van. Which, by the way, was a real pain to park anywhere, even if I ignored the fluid leak issues. Trade shows are an issue unto themselves, we learned soooo much, some of what not to do a lot of what never to do and some of the neatest techniques ever, to get peoples attention. I always sold a game at a trade show, but seldom more than one. And just to help with our fortunes while we were there, someone got our phone card info, and the next month we had a ton of calls to El Salvador, and Cuba, and Brazil, and lots of places we never called. Most of the bus boys and hotel help were from that part of the world, so we figure it happened at the hotel the show was held at. We only used the card a couple times, so we never did figure out how they got the information. But that's another page.
The next segment of the trip was why we really needed the van. Up till that point, I had been using plastic men painted different colors to be different things, actually a small bolt would do, as they were only place holders. But I had realized the importance of the reality aspect, and I wanted to take advantage of it. So I needed to be able to make realistic figures to enhance the involvement factor for my Haz-Mat tabletop training systems.
At the local public library we found a book on casting machines and methods. After reading it I attempted to contact the author. Turns out, he was in New Jersey. After a little phone tag, I finally reached him and we made arrangements to come and buy a casting system. At least that was my understanding.
As we entered New Jersey we saw the incredible line on the toll road, of people trying to leave, we were surprised and bewildered, little did we know. Now New Jersey is the garden state, but I think it smells more like acrylonytrile than a garden. The place is a huge chemical dump. We were going to Passaic. When we got off the exit and started passing the chemical plants and dumps we were not thinking about how gardenish it was we were trying to read the billboards which were primarily in Spanish , I think, I couldn't read them. And boy was I was glad it was a rental truck, at least if I had to stop at a light, the hubcaps they swiped wouldn't be mine. All the buildings had roll down steel doors, bars on every window, and most doors and alley ways were barred and bolted! The place was like a bad movie set. We had an idea where we were going, but as this was before mapquest, we did what everyone did in those days. Stop at a fire station.
Now this place was surrounded by chain link fence with concertina wire on the top. And the front door had a tiny slit for the window, just to see who was about to shoot you, I guess. When somebody did finally come to the door he was real cautious opening it, just to the chain and ask what I wanted. I mentioned being a visiting fireman and that I was looking for a particular address, the chain stayed in place and he said go down the road till it ends and that's the place you're looking for . And shut the door, I didn't really want a tour or anything, but I never treated a visitor that way in 25 years. I can only guess their particular situation was really sucky. But the directions were good, and we found the spin casting mecca. I backed the truck up as if we were going to pick up a load of equipment and get started back to civilization. WRONG!
First we had to move the truck. Couldn't block the dock they were shipping things. Nothing that had anything to do with spin casting, by the way. I went to Mr SC office and we talked and he told me what he was going to give me to get me started. It soon became apparent that give me meant, sell me at a great price, not a discount price, but a great price. Which was whatever he thought I could, or would pay for it, what a swell guy. I finally agreed to the package he wanted to GIVE ME and we went out to get the truck and get it loaded, Oh not today, we can't possibly get all that ready in one day! Well, I hadn't thought we added anything significant that was going to require a shipment from Germany or anything, it was mostly the things we agreed upon a couple months earlier. Anyway it involved spending an unplanned extra night in New Jersey. The first motel was a real rat trap, with walls that changed colors when the lights came, with the room's only door, basically on the sidewalk of a four lane raceway and the AC didn't work. So we bailed on that dump.. But ended up in a hotel that just happened to have it's kitchen vents and the dumpster, right outside our window. Which made for a great wake up call in the morning. WE complained, but got nowhere and left the posh accommodations to the rats that so richly deserved them and went back to get the machinery loaded. It still took all day to get it, another days rental we hadn't counted on and a late late return trip. And when we got back to Lake Street, it was a dump and run. We had to turn around and head to Erie PA immediately to return the rental and retrieve the malfunctioning van.
While returning from Erie Pa. I got to be a regular with the Highway Patrol. I tried to get the engine to run longer than a half hour, while dumping water into it from one gallon milk jugs all day long. Chris was wrecked after her trip. So I took Russell with me, which bothered the troopers, no end! A shady character, in a broken down van, with a little boy, was traveling their road. And that was a bad combo in their limited minds. I was afraid at one point I was going to have to produce a birth certificate, to get the guy to accept that it was my kid and we were just milking ( jugs) the van back home, where I could repair it. I eventually found out it had a completely clogged radiator, the very same one I had replaced, with a rebuilt, just before I parked it the last time. I never did figure out how that happened, but when I slapped a replacement in from the junk yard, it started running just fine. What a mess! Anyway, the moral of this story (page) is, never ask what else could go wrong, because you won't enjoy the answer.
