Chris...
The Farm Wife, didn't expect most of this, and wondering how I got here?
Keep coming back, page seven follows......soon.
I never wanted to be a farm wife. And yet, where am I? Surrounded by 27 acres of woods and pastures. Don't get me wrong—I love living in the country. But there is a distinct difference between owning land and having a farm. A farm, by definition, is "an area of land and its buildings used for growing crops and rearing animals," and since we neither grow crops or rear animals, we are not, therefore, a farm. At least, that's still my hypothesis. It was originally proposed by Sonny, mind you, who insisted there was no reason to fear buying property that had been a farm, because we could use the land any way we chose to, including not using it for farming. We could remove fences because we wouldn't have animals. We could sow wildflowers in the pastures, plant trees to attract wildlife. "Have no fear," he said. "We are not farmers." Those were his exact words.
But then, as we started moving our belongings onto the aforementioned farm, I began hearing indications, mere whisperings at first, that Sonny's plans may not be exactly as he'd presented them to me. My dear husband, talking quietly to his co-conspirator brother (who I had been quite fond of), used the T word...Tractor. His brother Cliff nodded in agreement. "Well, sure, a farmer has to have a tractor!" I stepped in quickly. "A farmer may need a tractor, but Sonny is not a farmer. Sonny is a landowner. Landowners need only a lawn mower. He has two." Their whisperings quickly morphed into murmuring, a quiet but constant hum of communication. But I knew what they were talking about—still talking about—a tractor. I also know the methods Sonny will use to try and make a particular tractor (whichever one happens to be for sale, that is) seem like an incredibly good deal.
Here's the process (as I've witnessed many times already). You may want to take notes.
First Sonny decides he wants something, but is careful not to accidentally or purposely reveal too much about it. He will mention it casually. Let's see, for this example let's say it's a tractor that he wants. He will broach the subject indirectly, as part of a larger conversation, usually involving something I am interested in. "How many acres do you want mowed? It's going to take a long time with those little lawn mowers..." How many clues, dear reader, did you detect in those two short sentences? There are five: 1) How many, 2) do you want (with the emphasis on you), 3) a long time, 4) those little lawn mowers (heavy emphasis on the derogatory terms those and little).
I no longer succumb or fall prey to questions so innocently posed. I therefore respond with, "No more than two acres should be mowed. I don't want a huge lawn. And I can help with the second mower."
Is he foiled? Oh, no. Not after one attempt. After a few days have passed, he will say, "I've been thinking. You said you wanted a meadow, with wildflowers. These pastures have been trampled on by cattle for twenty years or so. It might take some work to get the dirt leveled out and loose so you can plant things." Clues? Five again. 1) I've been thinking, 2) You wanted, 3) flowers, 4) work, 5) so you can plant. The biggest clue is "I've been thinking..." This phrase is a warning sign painted in large red letters. The correct interpretation is "I want something and I've been looking into it for quite some time but it's expensive and you won't think I should have it so I have to think of a way that you need it and if I can get you thinking about how helpful it will be, then you will help me get what I want, even though I won't then have time to do anything you wanted it for."
The correct response is, "Yes, I want a meadow with wildflowers. But I'm willing to just walk out and throw the seeds into the pasture and see what comes up. I don't want you to have to work on it. It will be okay. You already have so many things to do."
Now comes the window shopping phase. "I was buying some socks at Tractor Supply the other day and they had some really cool tractors on display out front, but wow, are they ever expensive! Ha, ha, ha. Don't worry though, I was just looking." Clues? 1) I was buying socks (he never, ever buys his own socks, it's a diversionary tactic), 2) at Tractor Supply (and what was he really doing at a tractor store? Buying socks? I don't think so.) 3) they are expensive (a set up for the upcoming comparison stage), 4) don't worry (always worry when a man says don't worry), 5) I was just looking. (Never is a man "just looking." They are shopping, they are planning, they are lusting, they are plotting, but they are never "just looking.")
Next up is the comparison stage, closely connected to the window shopping phase. "Remember those new tractors I was telling you about at Tractor Supply? They were $80,000 dollars!" This is done to create panic in the hearer, but it works only on the inexperienced, not on me. "Hmm," I say casually. "How do farmers manage?" Not to be deterred, or perhaps because he's not listening to my response, he continues, "Can you believe it? $80,000! Suddenly, that makes a used one for only $5,000 look pretty good!" After a short pause for effect, he goes on. "And Cliff (remember his co-conspirator brother?) found one for only $2,500! That's a great deal! I'd have that pasture ready for flowers in no time at all."
Clues? Five again: 1) Remember what I was telling you about? (The only good answer is "yes". A "no" answer leads to a long and tedious rehash of the benefits of tractors or a complaint that I never listen to the long and tedious descriptions of tractors.) 2) $80,000! (No matter what the price range is for a desired item, only the most expensive is mentioned here.) 3) Suddenly...(Believe me, nothing ever occurs to a man suddenly), 4) a used one (Ah, now we're getting close to the real subject!), 5) Cliff found a great deal! (Notice how he brings in the name of an outside expert, like Cliff or Jeff, a friend or relative who is known for valuing quality and low, low prices.) Number 6) ready for flowers, is the clincher.
"I'm only thinking of you, dear" is another warning sign. Keep your guard up at this point. The only time a man truly hears what a woman is saying is if it leads him to something he wants. Do not be misled by dreaming that you will ever reap the rewards of ownership. After acquiring the item he desired, a man will swear that the conversation never took place, that he never agreed to do whatever job the woman wanted done with the new tool he wanted to buy. The "I'm only thinking of you" ploy is a good one. Its affect can pull you into an entire garage full of tools before you finally realize that you had no use whatsoever for a cut-off saw, a gas welder, an electric welder or woodworking tools—if the giddy owner had no intention of letting you use them yourself or of his using them for your heart's desire. Do not succumb! If you agree now, you will replay this sequence of events for years, decades even!
As you enter the negotiation stage, you must keep your wits about you for he will use every possible event or discussion to mention the benefits of the toy he wants. This quickly becomes monotonous and can wear you down faster than any other ploy. While gazing out the window to the neighbor's fields he sighs, "He sure has a nice tractor..." While driving to the store, "That's where the guy was selling that tractor last week for only $2000..." While watching a movie, "Did you see that John Deere in the background? The model 400 was a great machine! I always wanted a model (fill in the blank)..." While talking to his brother, "No, she won't let me get a tractor." While at the computer, "Did I show you the cool attachments you can get for this tractor?" While eating, "If I only had a tractor I could..." While planning the family reunion, "I guess I'll have to borrow a tractor if we're going to have a hay ride...sigh..."
Above we see Sad Sonny, borrowing a tractor because he doesn't have one of his own.
The only option you have is to continue to bemoan the purchase, for here's where it gets interesting. If you agree to the purchase—hoping against hope that he will plow the field for flowers, weld a new hand rail for the steps, create a beautiful set of black walnut drawers—you will see nothing. It is only in this final stage that you have any chance for success. Let him show you that you were wrong. If you say, "You never use that saw we spent $400 on," he feels obligated to prove it was worth the expenditure and he just might make the drawers. If not, you have only one option left. Use the last purchase as a reason to not make the new purchase. "Well, we spent $400 on that saw you were going to use to make drawers, but I don't have any drawers yet. So I don't think we need to spend more money on stuff that you won't use."
There are now two options available for him: Justify the last expense by finally providing what you wanted from it and which he promised, or, to drop the request for the new toy. Be careful that your reminders do not cross the line into nagging, however, or he will dig his heels in and refuse to do anything he agreed to, and will blame you for his lack of action. "Gee, after all your nagging, I hate to even get that saw out of the box! And I sure don't feel like doing anything for you with it..." If you do not at least gently remind, however, he can fall back on "Oh! I forgot you mentioned wanting that." It's difficult to maintain one's balance here, you have to play it by ear.
So how does this play out in his current maneuvering for a tractor to use? We are still in the negotiation stage. As is my custom, I am making a list of all the astounding things he can do with a tractor, because I know that no matter how aware I am of his maneuverings, he will eventually end up with what he wants. He always does. That's why we needed a "farm" with seven outbuildings, because I never let him have anything he wants. And this time it will be a tractor.
There's one more thing I should tell you: Beware the diversionary tactic, wherein a man pursues a secondary target to make the initial target seem like a good idea. "You know, instead of a tractor, I was thinking a dump truck would come in mighty handy..."
Yes, life on the farm can be very interesting. One purchase at a time.
Chris
Farm Wife
Observer
Man, are we happy out here?
